What does is take to be Dominant?
Lifestyle FemDomme LadyThunder-MsBella has been involved with this lifestyle Her whole life as not only were Her parents in a D/s relationship but also both of Her grandmothers were ProDommes. Is was no surprise then when at the young age of 18 MsBella took Her first steps as a FemDomme as She had always been an Alpha Female.
MsBella is married to Her partner slave Nuddy and also runs a FemDomme household with a private stable of 9 slaves. MsBella is very open about Her Lifestyle and lives it real time in both private and mainstream society. Thanks to Her experience and extensive knowledge She has been able to support and mentor many FemDommes new to the Lifestyle and teaches others how to expand and explore their own position within the FemDomme role. On top of all this MsBella also helps to run a FemDomme website and within the site She holds the rank of Lady Of Court, making her the first Australian to hold this rank.
LadyThunderMs-Bella gives us her advice to new Dominants
(This is written assuming You have a fundamental knowledge of BDSM and D/s practices along with SSC = safe, sane and consensual behaviour & RACK = Risk Adult Consensual Kink.)
"So, You have come to the point in Your life where You want it bad enough You can taste it, but at the same time, You don't know what is in store and where to start. Will it be as You imagined, or is there a whole lot more to it and given that information, should You run wildly in the opposite direction?
You start out as curious, happy, anxious, scared, etc. and a variety of other emotions, as You can imagine. You may also already have an individual who wanted to explore this area as well. Are You really ready? All the pieces are in place, it is kind of like a plunge, but is committed to two things; the pursuit of this Lifestyle and the person with whom You are going to become deeply involved with. Now, the ball is in Your court.
Starting out You are never going to be sure. Is Every day a major session? What kind of schedule are You going to create? How do You conduct Yourself? What does the submissive expect? Both parties need to discuss and be honest about T/their experiences or lack of. Doesn't sound like the "all knowing Goddess" does it? Well, You aren't and there was no point in pretending You are. But even in revealing honesty, the sub will still be ready to serve. Goddess, what a rush, Power the ultimate aphrodisiac.
The first step in this is to ask Yourself a few questions. The first being that, I have a sub/ slave who wants to worship Me, why? It can't be stressed enough to any new Dominant: A sub/slave will approach You to enter this kind of commitment because they like and trust You enough to feel free to express their kinks & fetishes with You safely and lovingly. That's it in a nutshell.
You are not born a Goddess, You don't have mystical powers over everyone that calls themselves submissive, But, that one person, the one standing in front of You, asking to safely express what they are about with You, is one You Could have all those powers over. I say could because, as a Dominant, You have to give as good as You get and if You aren't prepared to work at this, well, You best stick to playing at parties ... at least for now.
Your submissive is going to offer themselves to You, to serve You in any way the two of Y/you have agreed on. Does this mean it is solid, that what Y/you agreed on will never change? No, of course not. You need to understand that in time, You will evolve, W/we all do, it's natural. You have to make that allowance and so does Your submissive.
You as the Dominant have a lot on offer as well as the submissive. You offer to guide them through self-exploration, You offer to care for them, to grow with them, and yes, protect them. Let’s just look at that protection bit for a moment.
Protection means that You, as the dominant, are NOT going to exploit Your submissive's vulnerabilities or let any harm happen to them by any course of Your actions. You are both adults, and a submissive is NOT a child. They didn't suddenly loose brain cell function just because they adore You. They learn what You expect from them and will stay keen to that commitment as well as follow their own adult skills in looking out for themselves. You protect what they hold most dear, their dark secrets, kinks, etc. You don't abuse that knowledge! That is Your protection... safe exploration, done in a caring consensual manner.
So what about the day to day stuff, how do You make it real? That is going to be up to Your interpretation of the Lifestyle. You can run Yourself ragged in the first few months trying to create a "scene" atmosphere on almost a daily basis, and run up against a brick wall called burn out. You will soon start to realize that You don’t have to cram sessions in every waking moment, You have a whole lifetime in which to explore. Slow down a bit, and enjoy some of what is going on, think it through, make plans, longer-term training sessions, etc. Considered what Your sub/slaves needs are and what Yours are as well. A lot of work and little time for being lazy, let Me tell You.
You can explore Your life with Your submissive by setting up control tasks. (These are things that give You those little rushes of Power and further emphasize Your position over Your submissive). This is what the submissive wants anyway - remember, they adore You. They want to make You as happy as You can be, after all, You are the person that looks at them non-judgementally, and they love You deeply for that alone. Control them, they like it. Go on, You'll soon get the hang of it.
Set up little tasks, one at a time, and make them part of a daily routine. Don't make so many that You forget, start off with one, maybe two, but stick firmly to them. Don't slack off just because You can't be bothered, You have to be bothered, You are the Dominant and that is Your position. Soon You will become familiar with Your position as well as Your submissive.
Your life's ambition is creating Your perfect sub/slave and to do that, You want to get it right. You have to instil discipline in Yourself as well as the submissive for something to become natural. Lesson one is just learning that they are sub/slave and you are the Mistress... You may be on that one for quite a while. You will evolve and the sub/slave will know they have set tasks that must be done every day And remembers their position while doing them. It's an exciting thing to see that kind of commitment coming from Your own personal sub/slave, It makes You feel Proud.
Now, Your sub/slave is doing these things for You and it is definitely nice, but You can't sit back and let them just "do You" all the time. That's not what they agreed to in the beginning and after all, You care for them and You have to show them. I'm not going to tell You how that is, It's for You to discover with Your new submissive. Besides, they have already told You, did You listen? Yes, there is work, and You will have to consider Your sub/slave as they grow and change as well as Yourself. Plan out things a bit and push limits, for them as well as You.
What ?.... all this planning and thinking? Sounds like a lot for just a bit of fun doesn't it? You're right it is, That's because this is a Serious Commitment.
Will You become exhausted by it all? I imagine sometimes You will. What about outside interference? Ah, well yes, now that's the trick, balancing Your new lifestyle with the rest of the world. You can certainly carry on, but discretion is the key. Your sub/slave knows, who is Boss, and You will clearly see their submission and that should be plenty enough for You, You don't have to prove anything to the rest of the world. If Your naturally Alpha people pick up on it.
Another misnomer is the idea that You as a New Dominant possess all this knowledge just because You say Your Dominant. Pfft, What a load of crap that is. You don't have anything more than a shared kink and care and desire to explore it, Knowledge comes with the experience of many years actually living the Lifestyle, not reading books or watching videos on the internet. You are a one half of two that makes a whole, being Yourself & Your submissive. The submissive learns more about themselves through You. It's not because You sit there and talk words of wisdom all day. They learn through You pushing and testing their limits but in turn, You also learn as well. You are both, learning and discovering. That's what keeps this Lifestyle from becoming boring and mundane.
You, living the Lifestyle, requires a very deep interest in expressing Your Dominance as much as You possibly can, in as many ways as You can, incorporating it into Your everyday life. It can be one of the most fulfilling things You ever do.... a state of mind that is bliss for Y/you both.
I hope this helps You understand what being a Dominant is all about.
Dommes DON'T chase submissives, submissives chase Dommes."
Thank you for such an amazing and informative insight into the process of expanding one's mind into taking on a Dominant role, I'm sure this will be a lot of help to those new to the Lifestyle. Here at Kinky Consent, we are proud to call this amazing lady a true friend.
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